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The Great Basket Caser

Montrose Hero Combats Grocery Carts and Local ‘Slums’

In a world where injustice seems to prevail, from famine and poverty, to war and environmental calamity, there is finally hope to be found in the emergence of a local anonymous hero whose evasions for our request to identify himself have left us to dub him ‘Slumtastic Max.’ His primary antagonists are listed on MontroseSlums.com, where he hosts his virtual headquarters, cleverly disguised behind a uglesome prefabricated HTML template, booby-trapped with passwords and server errors.

In his e-Manifesto, he reproaches his foes, the neighboring low-income multi-family dwellings he calls ‘slums’ that surround his civilian domicile, and declares his mission to eliminate them from Montrose. While a slum is defined by the United Nations agency UN-HABITAT as ‘a run-down area of a city characterized by substandard housing and squalor and lacking in tenure security,’ such as the slums of Mumbai where millions of their poor live on, under and next to each other,  in fear of being bulldozed at any moment, in this sense Slumtasic Max is referring to the eyesores that dot his otherwise high value neighborhood. It is the slumlords and non-English speaking tenants alike that are responsible for making Montrose ‘an undesirable place to live.’

That’s not the only dark force Slumtastic Max has to reckon with. The tenants of these houses of infamy employ a menacing tactic of planting grocery carts from Fiesta in strategic locations that have been known to cause property damage and injury to innocent citizens. Clandestinely procured photographs posted on the website document eight different occurrences of the basket-munitions left on sidewalks and the roadside. In his war cry against Fiesta, whose total disregard for the neighborhood has allowed the streets to become places of potential bloodshed and car dings, Slumtastic Max asks those who have been victimized by the carts to come out of the shadows and join him in a lawsuit against the notorious arsenal that fronts as a grocery store. Never mind the fact that many of the locals who shop there are friendly with their employees, often joking and chatting about their children or social lives. This is just a ploy to lull their loyal masses until they are too subdued to rebel against their oppressors.

We wish our hero luck in the challenge he is facing, but on the public guestbook, there are more Montrosians ruthlessly denouncing his efforts than in support. One such post by ‘Kerry’:

“This site is some loser’s way of proving to the world of their meager, boring, halfwitted existence. I really hope your car is dented by a shopping cart.”

Kerry and their ilk are obviously enemies of good and should be dealt with accordingly. Or at least deleted. Slumastic Max has used the power of IP block for those who attempt to thwart his  operation, but surely he knows they can still access the site through the cache.

Slumtastic Max, we salute you and hope that you continue to crack down on the corruption that plagues our society. Now, how about those wheat-paste vandals?

Free Press Houston, Dec. 2010 Issue

 

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